UNGLUED CHAPTER 6

WEEK 3 PART 2 CHAPTER 6

STUFFER

How do you respond to constructive criticism? Probable depends on how it is given to you and by whom, right? Sometime it is not given in a spirit of love, with encouraging words.  And most of the time is it not so constructive. It can be destructive.

I don’t like turmoil among the people I have in my life, whether it’s my family, my friends, work or even church. It makes me “shut down”, especially if I am personally involved.  I get all these different emotions flying around it my head and I mentally suppress them. I don’t want to deal with it I just want it to go away!!! But it usually don’t happen that way. Most of the time, these feelings need to be addressed.

So what keeps me from doing this?. Fear I guess. I am an emotional person (aka cry baby). If I raise my voice at someone (which is VERY rare), I get teary eyed and later start to cry. If someone yells or fusses at me, I do the same thing. I even do it when the people I care about are doing it with each other. So much for being a strong woman.

Some other reasons why people are stuffers are : don’t feel safe enough to confront this person, don’t have enough energy or time to get into a conflict right now, don’t know how to address the issue, don’t want to seem hypersensitive, don’t want to be rejected, don’t’ want to lose control, don’t want to make things worse. What other reasons comes to your mind?

Some may even think that it feels more godly to be a stuffer. Did you ever hear the saying, “if you don’t have anything good to say, say nothing?”

Let’s look at the Stuffers that build walls.

THE STUFFER WHO BUILDS BARRIER

We all probable have tried to keep the peace by pretending everything is fine, right? Knowing that is far from the truth. When we stuff emotions it not only hurts us, but it hurts others. It builds barriers and barriers shuts down communications.

We build barriers for several different reasons. Sometimes we are just afraid of being honest with that person. Sometimes we are tired of being honest and getting hurt.  Sometimes we feel like it is not even worth the hard work to be honest with others.

Our author says we need Boundaries and not Barriers. Boundaries that are wrapped in grace. We also need to ask ourselves , are my emotions making a “mountain out of a mole hill” or should I just spend some quite time with Jesus and ask for his wisdom in the situation. Also ask yourself “what do you really want in this situation”. Sometime how we felt and what we want are in conflict with each other. Remember feelings should be indicators not dictators.

We need to think PAST the emotions and realize what we really want in the situation.

In know there will be times that we will come across “difficult people”. You cannot control how another person acts or reacts, so don’t try and fix them. That is not our job that is God’s job!!  Our jobs is ourselves. Be obedient to God in the way you act and respond to these people. Just because you are being yelled and cussed out, don’t mean you have to do the same and as a child of God, that is not how He would react or want you to react.

THE STUFFER WHO COLLECTS RETALIATION ROCKS

As a stuffer, we need to process these emotions before they get so deep down in our soul. We need to ask ourselves, does this really matter? Is it something so trivial? Will I still remember what I am upset about a month from now? If I knew I would never see this person again, would I still let this bother me?

Remember life is relatively short. None of us are promised tomorrow.  What if these are BIGGER things? Things that we can’t seem to let go of so easily.  In these situations, the author states she asked herself this question, “ Am I trying to PROVE or IMPROVE?”. Are your wants in this conflict to prove that YOU are right or is it to improve that relationship?

If you want to improve the relationship you will deal with the issues, but if you want to prove, then you will deal with the person.

Lysa, given some questions to use when you want to improve the relationship.

1)   Will you help me understand why you feel this way?

2)   Can we both agree to stick to the issue at hand and not pull in past issues?

3)   What is a good desired outcome in this situation?

4)   How can we meet in the middle on this issue?

5)   What is something good that can come out of this issue-something that will improve our relationship moving forward?

What about unrealistic expectations? These often brings bitterness. Unrealistic expectations are things the other person isn’t able or willing to do for you. YOU need to LET THESE GO!!! Give it to GOD.

We are more that exploders who shame or who blame. We are more than stuffers who build barriers or collect retaliation rocks. We are daughter of God and we are made to walk in truth with grace.