UNGLUED CHAPTER 6

WEEK 3 PART 2 CHAPTER 6

STUFFER

How do you respond to constructive criticism? Probable depends on how it is given to you and by whom, right? Sometime it is not given in a spirit of love, with encouraging words.  And most of the time is it not so constructive. It can be destructive.

I don’t like turmoil among the people I have in my life, whether it’s my family, my friends, work or even church. It makes me “shut down”, especially if I am personally involved.  I get all these different emotions flying around it my head and I mentally suppress them. I don’t want to deal with it I just want it to go away!!! But it usually don’t happen that way. Most of the time, these feelings need to be addressed.

So what keeps me from doing this?. Fear I guess. I am an emotional person (aka cry baby). If I raise my voice at someone (which is VERY rare), I get teary eyed and later start to cry. If someone yells or fusses at me, I do the same thing. I even do it when the people I care about are doing it with each other. So much for being a strong woman.

Some other reasons why people are stuffers are : don’t feel safe enough to confront this person, don’t have enough energy or time to get into a conflict right now, don’t know how to address the issue, don’t want to seem hypersensitive, don’t want to be rejected, don’t’ want to lose control, don’t want to make things worse. What other reasons comes to your mind?

Some may even think that it feels more godly to be a stuffer. Did you ever hear the saying, “if you don’t have anything good to say, say nothing?”

Let’s look at the Stuffers that build walls.

THE STUFFER WHO BUILDS BARRIER

We all probable have tried to keep the peace by pretending everything is fine, right? Knowing that is far from the truth. When we stuff emotions it not only hurts us, but it hurts others. It builds barriers and barriers shuts down communications.

We build barriers for several different reasons. Sometimes we are just afraid of being honest with that person. Sometimes we are tired of being honest and getting hurt.  Sometimes we feel like it is not even worth the hard work to be honest with others.

Our author says we need Boundaries and not Barriers. Boundaries that are wrapped in grace. We also need to ask ourselves , are my emotions making a “mountain out of a mole hill” or should I just spend some quite time with Jesus and ask for his wisdom in the situation. Also ask yourself “what do you really want in this situation”. Sometime how we felt and what we want are in conflict with each other. Remember feelings should be indicators not dictators.

We need to think PAST the emotions and realize what we really want in the situation.

In know there will be times that we will come across “difficult people”. You cannot control how another person acts or reacts, so don’t try and fix them. That is not our job that is God’s job!!  Our jobs is ourselves. Be obedient to God in the way you act and respond to these people. Just because you are being yelled and cussed out, don’t mean you have to do the same and as a child of God, that is not how He would react or want you to react.

THE STUFFER WHO COLLECTS RETALIATION ROCKS

As a stuffer, we need to process these emotions before they get so deep down in our soul. We need to ask ourselves, does this really matter? Is it something so trivial? Will I still remember what I am upset about a month from now? If I knew I would never see this person again, would I still let this bother me?

Remember life is relatively short. None of us are promised tomorrow.  What if these are BIGGER things? Things that we can’t seem to let go of so easily.  In these situations, the author states she asked herself this question, “ Am I trying to PROVE or IMPROVE?”. Are your wants in this conflict to prove that YOU are right or is it to improve that relationship?

If you want to improve the relationship you will deal with the issues, but if you want to prove, then you will deal with the person.

Lysa, given some questions to use when you want to improve the relationship.

1)   Will you help me understand why you feel this way?

2)   Can we both agree to stick to the issue at hand and not pull in past issues?

3)   What is a good desired outcome in this situation?

4)   How can we meet in the middle on this issue?

5)   What is something good that can come out of this issue-something that will improve our relationship moving forward?

What about unrealistic expectations? These often brings bitterness. Unrealistic expectations are things the other person isn’t able or willing to do for you. YOU need to LET THESE GO!!! Give it to GOD.

We are more that exploders who shame or who blame. We are more than stuffers who build barriers or collect retaliation rocks. We are daughter of God and we are made to walk in truth with grace.

UNGLUED CHAPTER 5

WEEK 3 CHAPTER 5

EXPLODERS

So last week we learned there are two kind of “unglued” people, with each kind having two subcategories.  This week we will be focusing on these more carefully.  I am sure, like me, you all have reflected and could see you doing them all, however, most of the time, and you are probably more of one than the others.

Raw emotions are complicated. WHY? There are many variable that get involved with them. Some variable of our own making, some of other people’s making and some that no one has control over. Quote from our author says “ Raw emotions won’t sit quietly awaiting further instructions. They will move: outward if we explode and inward if we stuff.

I love the example where Lysa mentioned a “women with a special ministry of discouragement”. Do you know of any people like this? I do. Some just have words of discouragement and others just bring it with their presences. You know what I mean! People like these can and generally will bring our your raw emotions.

Anyway lets look at Exploders.

THE EXPLODER WHO SHAMES HERSELF

Lysa gave us some ideas as to how not to explode on someone and they later regret it. Especially if someone says or does something that we feel like “giving them a piece of our mind.”

1)  Begin your response by HONORING THE ONE OFFENDED. (Hard, hard pill to swallow).  I remember one time. My brother was giving planning a birthday party for my mother on her 80^th birthday. It was a surprise. Well afterward another friend of mine was hurt that she was not invited, blamed me and call my mother to wish her a belated birthday and apologized for not being at her party. There were a couple more time in different situations that she “got her feeling hurt” because she was not invited. Kinda like the women in Lysa’s story. Boy did I want to let here have it, especially getting my mother involved.

Anyway, when we honor someone who has been offended, we need to honor them as a person, a child of God. We need to point out their good qualities (yes everyone has some).

2)   KEEP YOUR RESPONSE SHORT AND FULL OF GRACE. Like the mnemonic KISS…keep it short and simple. The more you say usually the worse off the situation will get. If something needs to be explained or clarified, keep it factual and wrapped in grace. Gentle honesty. If an apology is warranted do so and ask for grace. The example from the book “ Please accept my most sincere apology for causing you and your daughter hurt. Thank you for extending me grace in the situation”.

3)  END BY EXTENDING COMPASSION

Be the rare person who offers love to the “hard-to-love” person. Don’t fake it. Some situations can make it impossible to be wrapped in love.

If you are doing this via text or email, end with simple comment “Blessings…Thank You…With grace. 

Remember, not ever harsh word need a response. Ask God to help you know when to deal with it and when to let it go.

THE EXPLODER WHO BLAMES OTHERS

Have you ever known anyone who when someone was it talk to them about what they had done wrong, that person starts blaming others? That is what I think of when our author talks of the exploder who blames others. Have you ever done this?

What is needed to stop this is self-control. Our feeling should be INDICATIORS not DICTATORS. Feeling should NEVER dictate how we respond. WE DO HAVE A CHOICE!!

Our choice is not to let the any person the power to control our feelings. Generally the one who holds their tongue , hold the power. But when you yell, flap your arms around, jump up and down or point your finger, you are giving the power to another.

To hold your tongue, maybe hard. In that case, just take a time out. Find a place away from the situation where is it quiet and give yourself a few minutes. Like the song says “Have a little talk with Jesus, makes it right”.  The brief moment of silence with do few things.

1)  You will feel safe enough to humble yourself. We don’t need to be loud and proud.

2)  God will lift us up to a more rational place.

3)  Anxiety gives was to progress.

4)  We acknowledge that our real enemy isn’t the other person.

5)  We can rest assured God will use this conflict for good, no matter how it turns out.

UNGLUED CHAPTER 4

EXPLODER VS STUFFER

Hi, my name is Lisa and I am a STUFFER.

Oh my. I didn’t realize that was part of being unglued. So what are you? Exploder or Stuffer?  If you are an Exploder, are you one who “shames herself” or one who “blames others”? If you are a Stuffer, are you one who “builds barriers” (raising my hand) or one who “collects retaliation rocks”?

Maybe you are like our writer and a combination of them all!

Remember we are not supposed to label ourselves, instead we are to identify ourselves. I like the definition Lysa used.

          “Labeling says , ‘I am a sum total of my difficult issues.’ While “Identifying says ‘My issues are part of the equations but not the sum total.’ When we identify issues with OURSELVES it should be healthy and productive. The issues that causes us stress, hurt feelings, irritation, bitterness.. ya da da di da.

When things explode, whatever is on the inside, erupts like a volcano eruption.  Stuffing is like when you are packing stuff in a trash bag. Just keep forcing more “trash” in, over and over. Eventually that bag will “explode” as well.

You can explode in a loud voice or even in a more quite manner. Yelling and screaming is what we think of when we think of emotional “exploder” but you don’t have to raise your voice to be an exploder.

Have you said or been told “Don’t take that tone with me!” The tone, sternness, slow diction and evening speaking through closed teeth, (as then dentist say “bite together”) is a form of exploding. Hmmmm, I have done this to some friends, especially when they don’t listen or take this seriously.

I guess I could me like Lysa too and be a combination of them all. It depends on the circumstance and on the people involved. Think of a time when you were an example of each one.

UNGLUED CHAPTER 3

PRISONER

After reading Chapter 3, I was thinking this is about me! WeLL except the story about the woman going to prison. But the part about the writer’s closet was a mess. THAT IS ME….and my bedroom, and by bathrooms, and my laundry room and my kitchen… Well you get the picture. Echoes in my mind of my mother telling me as a child, “You are messy, Just look at your room”. Then as I got older when we would come over to my house it would 95% of the time be “untidy”. “Lisa, how can you make such a mess when it is only you. I didn’t raise you like this”. But then she would say “When you do straighten up, you do a great job”. She always joyed my decorating idea I would do.  Even now, going to my old home, looks like, as my mother would say “ a tornado went through it”. I would ask myself, “did you leave this house like this”? I have labeled myself as a messy housekeeper and even a hoarder!!! I know I am NOT THAT bad but that kind of thinking is in my head.

We can become a prisoner to the labels we give ourselves. Think of the labels you have given yourself. Are these labels keeping you from proving it to be wrong?  Sisters, we need to tear that “label off” right now.

Yes it may hurt some, just like tape on our skin. Be need to look beyond those label we give ourselves, or even others may give us. I have been on the receiving end of being labeled by others. Although some I knew were untrue, some I would have to look deep inside to see if there was a hint of truth. After a while, I would move on, take those baby step forward of that imperfect progress to get beyond of those feelings of hurt. Sometimes those baby steps were easy while others were/are difficult.

I reflect on them now and considering that God was working on me, chisling me. If we keep wearing those labels, we can’t move on and do what God has in stored for each one of us. Like the story Lysa was talking about the famous statue “David”.  How many people worked on that statue before it became the finished process? People stopped. It was unfinished for years. Before Michelangelo, those people just “gave up” on finishing. Maybe they labeled themselves saying “I can’t finish this”. It took a young man in his twenties with energy and vison to finish this masterpiece. (not to say us middle-aged women don’t have energy and vision). He didn’t give up. He keeping going forward, step by step, until it was done.

We can do the same thing. Don’t let labels hold us back. Don’t let labels make us give up thinking it can’t be done.  We are God’s workmanship. Chose to view the circumstances of your labels as a CALL TO ACTION, NOT a call to beat yourself up.

REMEMBER

“ Just because you closet is a mess, doesn’t make you a messy person. YOU are a child of God with a messy closet”

UNGLUED CHAPTER 1

How often do you made decision based on your emotions?  When you feel pressured by the world and the anxiety builds up, or the deadline is approaching, or in the heat of anger, passion or hurt, you say or do something that you regret?

We all do and more often than we want to admit. Afterwards we feel “crappy”. And being a Christian we may become weighed down with feelings of guilt. We feel bad because we didn’t act like a Christian should act. But a Christian is not perfect. NO ONE IS PERFECT! NO ONE.

We need to remember that we are and will always be IMPERFECT Christians until God calls us home. We need to accept it, but still strive to do better. That is what our study is about. It will NOT make us perfect, but we will make imperfect changes. “Imperfect changes are SLOW STEPS of PROGRESS wrapped in GRACE”.  Imperfect Progress.

Our assignment this week is to read Chapters 1 & 2 and complete session 1 in the participant’s guide.

If you only got the participant guide, don’t fret, I will highlight the areas from the readings for you (they are also in the participant guide as well. I will be posting twice each week the highlights of the reading chapters, just in case someone didn’t get the book.  They will be on Wednesday and Saturday.

Remember to Pray for the study each Wednesday. Pray for yourself, that God would speak to you personally and more Important that you will listen and be open to His will in your life. Also pray that you will stay committed throughout the study with readings and assignment so that you can get the most out of this time as possible. Pray for other participants in the study, that each of them would gain more hope and draw closer to God through the study. Pray for each other’s homes, jobs, and families.

So let’s get started….Chapter 1

AN INVITATION TO IMPERFECT PROGRESS-Chapter 1

Sometime are emotions takeover is situations. And sometimes when that happens, we tend to mentally “beat ourselves up”. I have a tendency to do this on a regular basis, however, it usually it not witnessed by anyone other than me and the Lord. But the other week “IT” happened at work.  I had no excuse, but I am going to give you some any way. It had been a hard week for me. Tried to do things at Mother’s house, cleaning, packing up stuff to give away, stuff to save for my step-brother that was his dad’s. It seemed like an impossible week. I could FOCUS. I joked with some close friends and told them I felt like I had ADD, or ADHA or some other “attention deficit” abbreviations. I could stick with one task for 15 minutes before I thought of something else, I needed to do and I went to do that, thus the cycle began. By Friday when I went to work, I felt Like I had been on a stationary bicycle for days and had had not gotten anywhere.  I had already mental stated to beat myself up about it, then all those other feelings of loneliness, grief and sorrow poured over me like a damn had busted.

Any way, it really was a big thing that sent me over the edge that morning. It was just a simple statement and I blew it way out of proportion.. You have heard the saying “making a mountain out of a mole hill” well it was more like a “mountain out of a pimple”. If it happened at a different time, my emotions, negative emotions at that. Would not even had stirred.

I usually internalize my emotions, but they were leaking out. A little “squirt” here with a snide comment, a little “squirt” there with another. But I was trying my best not “explode into tears”. But the more I held it in, the more the pressure build and I did what many people do, I took it to social media!!! URGH…

Well I felt better once I posted it. I should have known it would, ‘cause in the past, I would WRITE all that stuff down on paper. Just let it out!! Then tear up the paper and threw it away. I was over it after I posted it.  Until one of my co-workers asked me about the post.

That night, I was “convicted” for my behavior. In fact, I was disappointed in myself for my actions and reaction. I had a long talk with the Lord that evening. For about a week or so, the relationship between me and this person, felt “strange”. To me it seemed like that were keeping their distance, even when we had to work or be at the same activity together.

Emotions that are not controlled, CAN hurt and even destroy relationships. And it always seems to happen with the people we care about the most.

When we do this, for no cause, we blame it on various things; hormones aka “that time of the month”, feeling tired, didn’t get any sleep, stressed out about another situation, just had an agreement with someone else, feeling of insecurity and unappreciated.  But these are just excuses and not the source of the problem.

I liked Lysa’s thought of Imperfect Progress.  She talks about “feeling unglued” is all she had ever known.  Are you like Lysa? Do you know anyone like her?  It doesn’t even have to be emotions that you are trying to overcome, whatever it is, we need to remember it is not a instant progress. What it is, is IMPERFECT PROGRESS.

Imperfect progress is imperfect changes of slow steps toward our goal. The best part is that it is wrapped in GRACE.  We just need to make progress. It’s ok to have “setbacks” and the need for do-overs. In fact for me, that is a guarantee in whatever I am trying to overcome. The thing is make sure you are moving FORWARD, even if they are baby steps. Baby steps keep you from getting stuck or idle. The change WILL COME if we remember and keep going forward.

UNGLUED CHAPTER 2

   I'M NOT A FREAKED-OUT WOMAN

Are you a women that freaks-out when things go wrong? Even the simple non-essential stuff that gets in our way? Slow traffic, someone pulling out in front of us, the cable/satellite goes out, the phone not working? Have you ever tried to fix something only to make it worse? Do you hit on an appliance or equipment when it doesn’t work the way you want to?

This reminds me of a co-worker hitting on a medication bin in our Pyxis when it didn’t open like it was supposed to do. I can remember when I was still at my house about twice a year the trash truck would knock down my telephone line.  It would take about 5 days or more before they would come and fix it. I didn’t care cause I has my cell phone but it would get bother my mother (even though she called me on my cell). She would even tell me to tell them that I was on emergency call at the hospital and needed that phone. I did that once, but it didn’t work.

Sometime we get so wrapped up in the emotions of the situations, that we do or say unwisely things. We think that there is no good could come out of a bad situations, especially if it happens to us personally, but I can. For example, the author talks about her computer got a virus and she couldn’t even get to her files. She had to get another new computer (ugh). Then after a month that computer and gotten stolen, but if it wasn’t for the first one getting the virus, she would not have made backups of her files. She realized that the virus on her first one was a blessing. What “once seemed like a curse became a precious gift”.

We need to change our thought patterns sometimes. Sometime unfortunately thoughts associated with emotions are easy to remember. To develop new response we need to develop new thoughts. This is crucial if we don’t want to become “unglued”. The Bible encourages us to renew our minds. Romans 12:2

The Scriptures also teaches us that we can accept or refuse thoughts. 2 Corinthians 10:5

We need to remind ourselves that we have a choice. We can chose to have destructive thoughts or constructive thoughts. We can wallow in what is going on that is wrong  and make things worse or we can ask God for His perspective to help us see good even when we can’t see or feel it.

I just watched this video on Jerry Clower. Some of you may know him. But he talked about the time when he got a call about his son being in a wreck and "he wouldn't wake up". He talked about how Christians are supposed to give praise to EVERYTHING. The good and the bad. And he was going to do just that. And to make a long story short, he did just that.

When things get out of control we don’t need to do the same thing. It only makes matter worse. More stress and anxiety to the situation.

Do you trust God? Do you believe He is working out everything for your good, even when you can’t see the good? If so, you need to stop “freaking out” trying to fix everything on your own. God is the one who is in control, therefore you can face things that are out of control without you being out of control yourself.

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY ADVENT WEEK #4

THE SHEPHERDS

SCRIPTURES LUKE 2:8-20

Abraham was a shepherd, often moving about to find pasture and water and to avoid hostile tribesmen. Jacob slipped away in the night to a shepherd kinsmen after cheating his brother Esau. Jacob shepherd sheep for 14 years. The prophet Amos, humbly claimed that he was just a poor uneducated shepherd. King David, the most famous shepherd of all, worked as a boy with fathers flock. 

Ancient Israel was not a land of cattle ranches or pig farms. For pork was forbidden. Yes that would include Bacon. Jewish Law.

The practice of agriculture was scattered- some grain was grown in Galilee, along with some vineyards and fruit trees. But especially in the southern region of Judah, sheep and goats dotted the landscape. 

The rocky hills from Jerusalem to Hebron and Bethlehem housed constantly migrating sheep and goat. The soil was so shallow, the rocky hills abundant, the rain so occasional, the grass was so sparse, and that the sheep and the goats moved continually.

So in ancient Palestine, shepherding was prominent essential. Sheep were the mainstay of the inhabitants livelihood. Sheep provided wool, meat, clothing and material for tents.  Lambs were regularly laid on the altar in Jerusalem’s Temple as a sacrifice.

In springtime, during the day, shepherd and families who owned the sheep had much to do. They worked hard, assisting in the birthing of new lambs, caring for those little ones. Amid strong winds and spring rains, they sheared the sheep, harvested the winter wool and readied the ewes and bucks for simmer weather.  The butchered young males and castrated other for later meat supply.

The firstborn lamb was taken to the Temple as a sacrificial thank offering. As David, these shepherds had to be alert for wild animals, foxes, beats and even lions.

Summertime it was more laid back. However wintertime is different. The sheep would be fed little hay..maybe some grain. They move the about . At night the pastures were cold. There was little to do. Build a fire, sing to help quiet the sheep and keep animals away. The hired hands were called shepherd, their main jobs was to bed down the sheep. Sometimes in a cave, often around a fire, then go to sleep leaving one fellow to stay awake and watch. The owners were in their homes.

So these nighttime winter shepherd were the poorest of the poor. They owned nothing, couldn’t get a decent-paying daytime job and often had neither home nor family. In this day and time, these shepherds were considered the bottom of the social ladder.

Sometimes, these people could have very well had a bad reputation. The shepherd were not allowed to given testimony in the courts in those days; they were usually considered unreliable…So why would an angel come first to the shepherds.

These humble night workers got to baby Jesus before the Wiseman did. It has been said that uneducated, simple people come more easily to faith than wise people and scholars who have to work through a lot of thought problems before they come to the Lord. Do you think that is true?

God chose to have the angels sing to these humble folks, these shepherds, the weakest of the weak, the loneliest of the lonely, the poorest of the poor.,

The angel first words was “Do NOT BE AFAIRD: because they were terrified. IT wasn’t a lion or bear but host of angels singing.

Martin Luther said the greatest miracle of Christmas was that when the angel told Mary she was to bear a child, the Savior “MARY BELIEVED”. The shepherds believed They said, lets go NOW to Bethlehem and see this thing…and they went in haste. 

While some people hear an angel speaking and keep on tending the sheep. Some of us hear heaven singing and we throw another stick on the fire.

READ LUKE 2:20. No verse in Scripture is more exciting, more fulfilling that “The shepherds returned glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen.

Our God has a special heart for the humble. Those who are poor are not blocked by prestige or wealth but are often open to the eternal. Stripped of everything earthly.

Historically great Christians revivals movements have started amount the poor; Saint Francis going to Italy, John Wesley’s preaching to the peasants and prisoners in England; William Booth’s offering to Christ and started the Salvation Army.

A miracle of Christmas is that the angels sand first to the shepherd. That they hurried to the manger, and that they believed and returned to the fields glorifying God.

Even in today’s society, the poor is separated. All societies. Upper class, Middle class, the poor and indigent. I could be a migrant worker at a chicken plant, a young person at fast food restaurant behind the counter, the person that sleeps under the bridge, these are hard for US to reach for Jesus. We are often aloof and distant with them, they are sometimes suspicious and defensive. But JESUS went to the poor and the outcast.

READ Luke 14:13-14 When you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame and the blind. And you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you, for you will be repaid at the resurrections of the righteous.

So let’s remember the shepherds at Christmas. They represent the poor, the lonely and the outcast. The angels came to them first. The poorest of the poor. Maybe never forget the poor, in our town or country or the world.