30 DAYS TO TAMING YOUR TONGUE DAY 18

DAY 18 THE INTIMIDATING TONGUE

Intimidators are bullies. They major in making others feel inadequate, unworthy, ashamed, fearful- any emotion that will allow them to maintain their position of dominance.

While intimidators often get their way, they are not the towers of strength they pretend to be.

Goliath though killing David was going to be a piece of cake since David was such an unexperienced warrior. Goliath decided to employ a little verbal intimidation. He engaged in name-calling, used threatening language and tried to minimize David’s potential. ALL standard tactics for the effective intimidator. David’s response was not al all what Goliath expected. He assertively declared his faith in his God. (1 Sam. 17:45-46)

The intimidator counts on his victim to wilt in the face of a verbal attack. That’s why sometimes you have to let an intimidator know you refuse to be oppressed by him and that you do indeed have the God-given strength to resist his tactics. While it may be scary to confront intimidating bullies, they will often quickly back down when someone stands up to them. God has NEVER meant for anyone to oppress or dominate another person.

Verbal intimidation can have a severe physical and emotional impact on its target. Many victims suffer headaches, anxiety, nervousness, insomnia, fatigue, low self-esteem, and depression. This is not how God intended His children to affect each other’s lives.

Intimidators’ behavior only results in resentment and subtle rebellion. They must learn that people are more inspired to connect with someone who will SUPPORT them in their weakness.

If you are an intimidator, it is time to get in touch with why you feel you need to gain power or control over others. Many intimidators grew up in chaotic or otherwise negative environment in which they felt powerless to change their circumstances. They vowed they would never allow their lives to be so out of control again, so they seek control. Others are simply a bundle of insecurities and use intimidation as a façade to mask their fears

Intimidation runs rampant in many marriages. Here are a list of behaviors below:

a.   Making demeaning remarks

b.   Threatening (divorces, suicide, murder taking the kids, and so on)

c.    Having a demanding attitude (no appreciation or common courtesies)

d.   Running guilt trips

e.   Invalidating the feelings, opinions and thoughts of the spouse.

Whatever the cause, intimidators can never hope to have a meaningful relationship with anyone who is forced to submission.

READINGS AND REFLECTIONS

PHILIPPIANS 1:28  PSALM 38:12-15    ACTS 4:29

1)               Have you ever tried to control someone’s behavior by making a subtle threat? What were the results? What did you think the outcome would have been if you had not introduced the element of fear? Why did you think your threat was more powerful than prayer?

2)              Have you observed that most intimidators do not have close relationship with others? They seem to be totally oblivious to the fact that the average person has no desire to be disrespected, disparaged, or disregarded.

3)              If you are the victim of an intimidator ( at home, work or church) write out the impact their behavior has had upon you physically and emotionally. How long do you plan to tolerate this situation? Whom have you solicited for needed emotional support?

30 DAYS TO TAMING YOUR TONGUE DAY 17

DAY 17 THE TACTLESS TONGUE

Tact is the ability to avoid being offensive in a negative circumstance. It is learned behavior that must be developed by experience, prayer and submission of our tongues to wisdom and guidance of the Holy Spirit. The extent to which one develops this skill can mean the difference between life and death- usually the death of a relationship.

One of the most important skills we can develop is the ability to deal with others with sensitivity and to speak inoffensively when we find ourselves in difficult or problematic situations. Is it necessary to brutally honest? After all, can’t we be honest without being brutal?

Even Job declared in the midst of his suffering, “How painful are honest words!” JOB 6:25 Must pain always accompany the truth? The extent to which a person experiences pain from being told the truth depends on numerous variable, including the degree of their emotional security, their perceived worth or their desire to grow.

We must understand that extending grace and telling the truth are not mutually exclusive concepts. We can tell the truth tactfully. What about mean-spirited truthfulness? Have you even been intentionally tactless? Usually at the root of those spoken truths, were anger, frustration, disappointment or retaliation. We must always be quick to apologize for our intentional and unintentional tactlessness,

The key is to develop a habit of being tactful in EVERY situation. Yes, becoming a tactful person does require some practice. This is why we need to THINK before we SPEAK. We can review the words in our minds and evaluate their impact. We can then choose to yield to the Holy Spirit’s leading. This practice alone will help us to develop the emotional discipline necessary for preventing tactless remarks.

If you have a tendency to be tactless, follow the steps below to developing more diplomacy:

a)             Always follow the Golden Rule” In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.” Pretend you are the recipient of the statement that you are about to make. Ask yourself, how would I feel if someone said this to me?

b)             Make every attempt to balance the negatives with positives.

c)              Play it safe. Assume that everybody is supersensitive and interact accordingly.

d)             When asked a no-win question such as “Does this make me look fat?” turn the question back to the inquirer with a remark like, “More important, how does it make YOU feel? Don’t turn your power of choice over to me.” Or if you are really courageous, you may respond (at your own risk), “I’ve seen you in outfits that may be a bit more flattering…” Pray for words that don’t hurt but that don’t lie!

         

READINGS AND REFLECTIONS

PROVERBS 16:23  PROVERBS 25:11   PROVERBS 31:26

PROVERBS 20:15

1)               If you were to take a poll of the people with who you interact the most, how do you think they would rate your tactfulness on a scale of one to ten, with ten being extremely gracious and tactful?

2)              How would you respond if someone greeted you at a party with this tactless remark. “That’s a nice outfit. It was really the rage during its fashion season”?

3)              Recall a tactless but truthful remark you made to someone. How did they respond? What amends, if any, did you make once you realized you had “put your foot in your mouth”.

30 DAYS IN TAMING YOUR TONGUE DAY 16

DAY 16 THE HARSH TONGUE

In our impatience and frustration with incompetence or low productivity in others, we may sometimes make what some feel are harsh remarks.  You know like the cashier who is learning and keep having to ask for questions and such.

Solomon says of the wise women in the book of Proverbs “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness” (PROVERBS 3:26) Speaking kindly to others was one of the core principles of this woman’s life. When you really think about it, there is never any justification for being harsh or unkind in our communication. If we claim that God is our Father, we won’t practice such behavior either.

As a steward of the grace God has extended to us, we must in turn extend that same grace to others. We must cultivate the habit of speaking kind words especially to those whom we feel may not deserve it-isn’t that what grace is all about?

This does not mean that we are to bury our heads in the sand and refuse to deal with problematic situations. However, before we approach anyone, we must go to God and get His words, which always get the desire results?

There are various degrees of harshness with verbal abuse being at the extreme end of the spectrum. The old saying “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me” is totally untrue. Harsh words NEVER die, and they can impact a person for a lifetime. Many who are considered society’s outcast today have been victims of verbal abuse at some point during their lives. If you find that you are probe to speaking harshly when angry, begin, to seek God for deliverance.

Words never die. The lodge permanently in the heart of the hearer. Because they have such long-lasting impact, it behooves us to release them with wisdom and care. Harshness emanates from our fleshly nature which, in its selfishness, fails to stop and understand the impact of our communication.

Kindness on the other hand is produced in us by the Holy Spirit, who wants to dwell in our hearts continually and to impact our every word. Harshness at its extreme becomes verbal abuse. Unlike physical abuse which attacks the body, verbal abuse attacks a person’s soul- the very core of their being.

Solomon said “He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city” PROVERBS 16:32. You can begin to take control over that destructive behavior by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Remember that cutting words can never be recovered, so don’t let harshness or verbal abuse be named among your character traits. Make a decision that kindness will be one of the core principles of your life.

READINGS AND REFLECTIONS

PROVERBS 15:1        PROVERBS 16:24      PROVERBS 12:18

EPHESIANS 4:31-32

1)               What is the harshest thing you can recall ever saying to someone? What motivated you to make this comment? What was your emotional state at the time? Did you apologize? What did you say when you did so? Did you rationalize your behavior or blame the victim for “making” you act this way?

2)              Sometimes harsh words are the results of a person’s impatience with a situation they have had to tolerated way too long. Timely confrontation of issues is critical to avoid “blowing your top” and becoming harsh. Remember these 4 P’s for effected confrontation.

a.   PERSONALLY. Do it yourself, don’t ask or hope that another person will deliver your message.

b.   PRIVATELY. Honor each person’s fragile ego by not criticizing them, even constructively, in the presence of another.

c.    PROMPTLY. Don’t wait too long to address a problem; the long the wait, the greater your frustration will be.

d.   POSITIVELY. Express your belief in the person’s ability to improve their behavior or performance. Keep the focus on the problem and avoid negative words that attack the person’s character or judgment.

30 DAYS TO TAMING YOUR TONGUE DAY 15

DAY 15 THE KNOW-IT-ALL TONGUE

Are you so all knowing that you cannot refrain from giving unsolicited input? Do you regularly uses expressions “You should…?} Most emotionally healthy people will resent someone who always assumes he knows what is best for them. Even if you feel you have earned the right to given the unsolicited advice, use cautions. “Have you considered..?” sounds a lot less controlling and will be more welcomed-especially by men-than “You should….”

Even if you have knowledge and insight into certain situations, sometimes it’s prudent to keep silent and give another the joy and fulfillment of explaining it to you. “Wise people don’t make a show of the knowledge..” PROVERBS 12:23

Assuming the role of the arrogant expert on almost every topic is a sure indication of PRIDE, which is repulsive behavior to God and man.

So to change your behavior, start by letting someone share information with you that you already know-WITHOUT letting them know that you know it. This can be great training in humility and emotional maturity,

Even if you are brilliant but humble, your mere presence may cause those with low self-esteem to feel inferior. Certainly, then, displaying intellectual superiority will alienate others. Some people may look for areas of weakness to “Cut you down to size”.

If you tend to be a know-it-all, maybe you need to do a little honest introspection, Is your display of knowledge a smoke screen for insecurity? Are you craving attention or appreciated because you are not getting it from the source you desire? When interacting with a group, you might want to actively listen to others, ask or their ideas, resist correcting or contradicting anybody, and limit you input to only one or two points. Your interpersonal relationships will improve when people feel that interacting with you has been a mutual sharing of ideas,

While God desires for us to have many of His attributes, omniscience is NOT one of them. He is the only one who knows everything. Further, the Scriptures are replete with many reminders that all wisdom and knowledge comes from Him. “He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning” DANIEL 2:21

READINGS AND REFLECTIONS

PROVERBS 12:23  PROVERBS 15:32  1 CORINTHIANS 8:1-3

PROVERBS 29:23

1)               Read Proverbs 13:18 and highlight it in your Bible. What two consequences are listed for those who refuse to accept instruction?

2)              Become conscious of your “know-it-all” lingo as you interact with others. Note that number of times you are tempted to use phrases such as “What you don’t understand is that..” “I know that” “What you should do is” Avoid these expressions whenever possible.

3)              See how many times today you can ask for and listen for input from others. Be genuine in your interest. Make a note for each instance.

4)              If you must deal with a know-it-all, remember the following:

a.    They be right most of the time, so don’t directly challenge his knowledge.

b.   Get your facts straight or he will dismiss you as incompetent

c.    Don’t interrupt-a know-it-all is usually a control freak.

d.   Disagree wisely by simply paraphrasing his statement and asking for clarification.

e.   Don’t be intimidated to keeping quiet-unless you are not prepared with the facts.

30 DAYS TO TAMING YOUR TONGUE DAY 14

DAY 14 THE CYNICAL TONGUE

Cynical people are angry, disappointed, resentful and mistrustful of those they feel should be acting in their best interest. Like a rotten apple in a barrel of good ones, a cynic negatively impacts EVERYBODY they touch. Cynics exist in every environment; home, work, government, social organizations, even in churches.

The story of David in the Bible, we ready that his oldest brother was a cynic. When David went down to the battle grounds and saw Goliath intimidating the Israelites, David became indignant. Saying he would take care of that “Philistine”.  His brother heard this and scorned David’s confidence and motives.

A person who is cynical scorns the motives of others. It is like VENOM; it poisons the atmosphere wherever it is present. It can wreak havoc on any relationship and in any environment.

If you are a leader, manager or other person who impacts others and you desire to minimize the development of cynics, in your realm of influence, consider these strategies:

1.     Keep key supervisors, team leaders or other of influence involved in the decision making process. People will embrace change better if they believe their preferences, suggestions and opinion have been represented, genuinely heard and considered.

2.    Keep people informed of changes in originally-agreed-upon plans or decisions-else, they may feel they have been ignored or have become victims of “bait and switch” tactics. Never surprise them with an announcement of an unexpected negative decision. All surprises should be pleasant.

3.    Validate people’s feelings by addressing their concerns with open and honest dialog. Provide good rationale as to why a course of action cannot be taken.

4.    Acknowledge, admit responsibility and apologize for past mistakes and bad decisions. Explain what actions will be take in the future to avoid further problems. People will connect with you better when you show vulnerability by apologizing rather than when you try to justify your actions.

5.    Where possible confront a cynic and ask what you can do to help restore their trust.

READINGS AND REFLECTIONS

PROVERBS 14:6 PROVERBS 22:10  PROVERBS 1:22

1)               Read Psalm 1:1-3 and highlight it in your Bible. What do you think it means to sit “ in the seat of the scornful”

2)              What three blessings are promised in Psalm 1:3 to those who resist cynicism?

3)              Because cynicism is a coping mechanism for those who feel powerless to effect change in their lives, people often make up their own reasons why the state of affairs exist, in order to deal with their hopelessness. Is there an environment in your life in which you have lost any hope of ever seeing a desired change? What rationalizations do you make to yourself (or to others) as to why things will never change?

30 DAYS TO TAMING YOUR TONGUE DAY 13

DAY 13 THE BELITTLING TONGUE

Do people feel better about themselves after spending time with you? Or are your expectations so high that you focus on their shortcomings rather than their assets? If someone speaks well of a person you envy, do you follow up with a disparaging remark? Are you so insecure that you can only feel good about yourself by denigrating others? “Therefore encourage one another and build up on another, just as you also doing” 1 Thessalonians 5:11

People often belittle others to make themselves feel good or important, or to mask their inadequacies. Denigrating another in order to enhance one’ own image is a sure sign of insecurity. Such behavior runs afoul of Pauls’ admonitions in Ephesians 4:29 that we are to build each other up.

We can conquer belittling by acting as if we are a cheer leader or coach to your family, employees, coworker and other in our sphere of interaction. Cheerleaders tell you that “you can do it”. Coaches tell you how to reach the goal. They all have the same goals: They want you to win.

If you want to maximize productivity then learn how to build up your employees. You need to give them positive affirmations, some hand-holding and lots of communication will often yields the productivity and the loyalty that may not accompany a “cocky superstar”

Make it a habit to affirm your family members and friends. Tell your spouse that they are they only one for you, express your appreciated to them for their sense of responsibility, applaud your children for avoiding drugs and alcohol, thank a friend for keeping your secrets! Resist the temptation to constantly “fix” something about them. Accept them as they are and remember that you only have them for a season.

READINGS AND REFLECTIONS

1 THESSALONIANS 5:11        EPHESIANS 4:29   PROVERBS 14:1

1)               Death and life are in the power of the tongue and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof” Proverbs 18:21. List phrases that bring life to a person (build up) and phrases that speaks death (tear down).

2)              When you ridicule others you hurt yourself; when you build up others, you become a people magnet and a great witness for our Lord. Try these Strategies for elimination your put-down tendencies:

a.   If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all

b.   Don’t define a person by his shortcomings; everybody has some assets. Why, even a broken clock is correct two times a day.

c.    Notice things that people do right. Praise them for it.

d.   Ask for godly wisdom in giving constructive feedback, leave the person with hope.

e.   Don’t make negative remarks about someone in the presences of others

f.      Don’t minimize anyone’s pain, fears or experiences; it’s their reality.

3)              Set a goal today of building up everyone with whom you interact. Try giving a sincere compliment, acknowledging an accomplishment, or expressing your faith in someone’s ability to succeed. Make a note of at least two people you encounter and the impact your encouraging words appeared to have on each one.

30 DAYS TO TAMING YOUR TONGUE DAY 12

DAY 12 THE BETRAYING TONGUE

In the realm of human relationships, almost everyone will inevitable break his or her commitment to guard the well-being of a person he claims to love or support. Of course, the people we love have the most power to hurt us, and vice versa. Further, we expect others such as bosses, employees, pastors, and so on-based upon the usually supportive nature of the relationship- to always act in your best interest. Betrayals happen in carious degrees and can have a devastating impact.

Betrayal is more blatant act than gossip. A gossip may not necessarily harbor any ill will toward her victim; however, a betrayer divulges information in breach of a confidence. They give information to the “enemy” and commits relational treason by violating the trust someone has placed in him. This ungodly use of the tongue is designed to hurt or disadvantage.

Judas was able to betray Jesus with very little effort because he was so familiar with Him.  Judas used his inside knowledge of Jesus’ habit to hurt Him. Later Judas’ betrayal led to self-loathing that he committed suicide.

 Have you every betrayed someone’ confidence? Why did you do it? What was your payoff? Did you gain some advantage because of it? Were you feeling envious at the time? Was there an unresolved conflict between the two of you? Have you repented for this sin?

Or maybe someone has betrayed your confidence. Were you reaping what you had sown? What valuable lesson did you learn from the incident? Have you released the offender in your heart and no longer desire vengeance? If not, you are still bound to them and they are still controlling your life. LET IT GO!

God saw the betrayal BEFORE it happened and WHILE it was happening. Since He chose not to intervene, accept it as part of His sovereign plan for your life. Learn from the burn, but forgive to live.

Decided today to strive to be a trustworthy person whom others can depend upon to guard their secrets. If you are blessed to have a trustworthy friend, thank God for such a rare jewel.

READINGS AND REFLECTIONS

PROVERBS 11:13   PSALM 7:3-5  PROVERBS 25:9-10

PSALM 55:20-21

1)               Proverbs 11:13 says “ A gossip betrays a confidence but a trustworthy man keeps a secret”. Name three people whom you believe you can trust with a secret. What relationship do you have with them?

2)              What character traits or behaviors have you observed in the people above that caused them to make the list? Which of these traits do you possess?

3)              Write a short prayer asking God to open your eyes to any possible resentment toward another and to close the door to any subtle betrayal.